An introduction of sorts

Published on November 21, 2007 By Caeli Aria In Welcome

This is my half-diary, half-sad attempt to reach out to others like me. I am 23. I am a mother of 3, but I don't feel like a very good one. My daughter is 4. My stepdaughter is 5. My son is 14 months. I am a born again Christian, but I'm having a hard time letting go of the old religion (some of you know exactly what I am talking about, others might wonder what religion--if you don't understand it, google it). I am a college student, but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am married to my best friend, who happens to be a self-medicating addict with mild paranoid schizophrenia, and who also happens to be an incredibly loving and devoted husband and father. I thrive on interaction with others, but I am painfully shy and socially inept. I am depressed, but I am usually an optomist to an extent that is unrealistic. I have to be to get through life with any shred of sanity.

My personality is a paradox and I consistently have no problem with being a completely different person at different times throughout my day depending on my mood, my audience, or my location. I will try my best to be myself here. Those who know me, probably even my own husband, might think that means that I will be compassionate, encouraging, loving, optomistic, and a little sarcastic. That is the personality that I have to present to the world at all times in order to keep myself as far away from the edge as possible.

I will mostly post about things that I dwell on constantly but rarely if ever discuss openly. I'm sure you will find that I am an egocentric maniac. I think my posts and comments will also reveal me as opinionated, un-informed, ditzy, creatively-challenged, and completely disgusted with all cultures of our time. Don't worry, it's not that I hate the US, it's just that I hate everyone. I will also edit and revise my posts constantly. So if you've read this before and now it's completely different, that's why. It's because I'm extremely critical of myself and my writing is never quite up to my standards. Along with everything else I do. Just a symptom of my self-loathing. And, yes, people who hate themselves are self centered, just as much as people who think they are better than everyone--just oppositely (yes, I know that isn't a word, and no, I don't care).

Speaking of narcissism, I would very much like to know who it is that is using MY name (and whether they know that it is the Latin plural for "of the sky") and forcing me to add the word Aria to the end. And just to make sure there is no confusion, that is not the Aria that is of the sky, it is this mutable air sign that is of the sky (if you have no idea what that means, check this link: Link it's a good one, and might actually explain my insanity a little bit). I just deemed aria an acceptable word to include for my name to be usable, since it's a pretty word and I do sing classical Italian music as a hobby.

Comments

crimson

on Nov 22, 2007

Welcome, and hang in there!

Gideon MacLeish

on Nov 28, 2007

Welcome to JU, Caeli.

As a fellow Christian (and not a very good one, if the powers that be are to be believed), I will say I have found three classes of Christians:

1) Those who think they are in the mire and look to those on higher ground to help them out.

2) Those who think they are on higher ground and try to reach out to those in the mire.

3) Those who think we're all in the mire and our best recourse is to find a way out together.

I try to be a part of the third group.

Caeli Aria

on Nov 28, 2007

I like that, Gideon. I also don't fit in very well with the stereotypical "Christian". Thank you for the welcome.

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